I wish there had been more to talk about. I suppose discussing Ray’s cosmology class could have been entertaining, had I been in a more receptive frame of mind. But I just couldn’t get interested in hydrogen and gravity and mass and energy and Doppler shifts. Ray would say something I only half heard, and then he would pause, waiting for me to comment. At one point, I got tired of nodding and urging him to continue. After an awkward silence, I blurted out what was really on my mind: ‘Saturday, Dawn and I had sex for the first time.’ Ray laughed nervously, and he blushed as I told him how it happened. ‘We were just sitting on the couch in my apartment and there was nothing on TV. And I couldn’t think of anything to say. So I kissed her. And before I knew it, she was in my bed with her hand in my pants, and I was tossing her panties on the floor. And you know what the weirdest thing was? Instead of enjoying the sex, I was worrying about what I needed to take with me on this trip.’ ‘Is. After 2 ‘routine’ vaginal deliveries of 9 pounders, though how the word ‘routine’ could possibly be assigned to this task is beyond me, we were cocky, so sure that we had everything well in hand. And then his heart rate started to drop. It came back up in a few seconds, but it went down again with each contraction, and starting coming back to baseline more and more slowly. Finally, it did not come back up. I stood watching a line on a graph revealing my child’s mortal peril. The L&D staff hurried about their tasks with urgency and professional calm, preparing her for what was necessary. I need to be strong I told myself, she needs me to be calm and supportive. I looked in her eyes and started to stammer out those platitudes appropriate to the situation. I could see my fear reflected back to me, but she smiled, squeezed my hand and told me that this is what she deserved for marrying a man a foot taller and 100 pounds heavier. We laughed far harder than this weak jest merited. I love.
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